“Doing” and “Being”
When I pictured this summer I envisioned making up for lost time. I had the urge to satisfy a deep craving, fueled by the many hours spent in a chemo chair/surgery bed/in the thick shit of cancer land.
Here was the dream: A 6 week euro tour. Eating brie and a baguette for dinner accompanied by a cheap bottle of wine. Spontaneous nights out partying until the sun rose. Dancing in streets. Strangers turned friends. Boats. Hot men. Pretty art.
Travel. Movement. Momentum.
But apparently once you get rid of your cancer your life doesn’t snap back to being perfect … um, weird. I left this supposed-to-be-glorious trip halfway through. I was miserable.
Since then, here’s what I’ve been up to:
I make the same smoothie every single morning. I take yoga classes at the studio my mom teaches at. I read books. I get bored halfway though a chapter and put it down. I write in my journal. I get bored halfway through an entry and put it down. I cook. I run errands in the same town I’ve grown up in for the past 20 years. Everything is familiar. The restaurants, the buildings, the roads, the people, all of it.
This summer is the opposite of the dream I had replayed in my head each time shit hit the fan this past year (which was a lot). I think old Miranda who’s hair was shedding would be pretty fucking upset that I am not frolicking on a Swiss mountainside right now.
But I’m realizing that I wasn’t actually craving a wild summer in Europe. At the heart of it, my craving was plain and simple. It was just to be happy.
And I am so, so happy
New life lesson: Slow isn’t bad. Familiar isn’t bad. You don’t always need to “do.” It is enough to just “be.”
I am relishing the normalcy, familiarity, and boredom
So next time someone asks me what I’m doing this summer - I’m not going to give them a phony answer or make up an excuse.
I’m going to respond, “nothing.” And I won’t mean it the way I did in 3rd grade when my mom would ask me what I did at school that day.
I will truly mean “nothing.”
And I will not feel embarrassed, or lame, or not enough.
I’m so happy halting the “do” and living in the “be”.
Xo,
M
