Alien

Receiving a cancer diagnoisis was like being transported to another planet. I felt completely isolated from everyone else. I made two separate categories: everyone else who was healthy, and me who was sick. I felt like everyone else had no idea what living on my planet was like, but I knew theirs because I had lived there for 19 years. I felt deep down that unless they had visited my planet, they would never understand the feeling of being so far away, surrounded by endless, empty darkness. They would need to know the specific hurt of my heart: its sore spots and rough edges. And unless they’ve known my pain, like I know my pain, they would remain separate from my world.

I acknowledge that most people have visited their own different planets and had their heart hurt in ways that gave them sore spots and rough edges too. But they did not visit the same planet as mine. And in my darkest moments -I’m convinced my planet is the farthest away. And my heart is the one that hurts the most. 

The worst part is that for months: I did not recognize myself. I stared at an alien in the mirror. I looked thin yet bloated, with a shiny bald head that made me question if my hair was the only reason I looked like a girl in the first place. This creature had drain tubes coming out of its sides, and bandages covering large incisions across their chest. 

All I wanted was to see Miranda, my Miranda, reflected in the glass. The one who’s long hair waved out of a jeep window in the summer and danced down boardwalks under the moonlight. Imagining her was like trying to freeze a snowflake’s details in your mind before it's stolen away by the warmth of your palm. Even before I could really see her she was gone.

Here I was, my inner consciousness and my physical body so close together, yet in complete incongruence.

It’s taken me a bit, but I’ve begun to realize that although someone has never visited my planet, all planets are alike. I’ve realized that although we may think our planet is the fartherst one away, and our heart is the one with the most sore spots and rough edges, all planets are planets at the end of the day. And somehow, knowing this truth and choosing to believe it, seems to draw the planets a little closer together, soothing the sore spots, and smoothing the rough edges of the heart. 

XO,

M