The Buzz of Vibrancy in the Air
One of my best friends Cailin started a blog today (www.ownyourstory.community) and it has me doing a lot of reflecting. Some background: amidst battling an eating disorder and facing the darkness of depression that so many know too well, she took to telling her story on Instagram @kalewithcail, sharing her wounds and finding healing along the way. Rarely do we see wounds that are still in the process of healing. Guided by a deep belief in the beauty of vulnerability, she has committed her platform to being a judgement-free zone for nurturing our hurt, healing our open wounds with the power of love, and wearing those scars with pride. She is a beautiful, badass, light to the world, and I am proud to call her my friend.
We were talking at lunch the other day about how a lot of people think that having struggled is embarrassing. People are ashamed to speak of what they’ve been through. Whether its financial struggles, health struggles, not knowing who you are struggles, the list goes on.
I believe this is because often times, there is an undertone that there is something you could have done to prevent your circumstances. You could have worked harder to get a better job and then you wouldn’t have faced homelessness. You could have talked to your friends and then you wouldn’t have struggled with depression. Why didn’t you work harder? Why didn’t you reach out and find help? Why didn’t you live a healthier lifestyle? Most times, no one is to blame for their struggles.
I recently discovered I have a Check 2 gene mutation, probably the cause of my cancer. I didn’t get cancer because I didn’t eat well enough, or exercise 5 times every week. You don’t get cancer just from eating that extra piece of cookie dough. I didn’t do anything to “get this”. Sometimes, you’re just dealt a shitty set of cards. That is not embarrassing, nor something to feel shame about.
It IS important to be mindful of how you handle your struggle, though. That is something that both Cailin and I take pride in.
I had a platform of about 850K IG followers going into this. And for a lot of years, I have longed to connect with my audience in a more authentic, genuine, vulnerable way. I just didn’t feel that I had a story to tell. Getting cancer has certainly given me that gift. I was telling my mom the other day that if I could give back my cancer and ‘poof ‘ have it all disappear, I’m pretty sure I would. And yet, I would have a really really difficult time parting with the gifts that it has given me.
Here are listed some of those gifts:
The awareness that I can do anything. Quite literally anything. I can get through anything and come out the other side. I can achieve anything I want. The world is my oyster.
As Mary Oliver says in her poem “Wild Geese,” “Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting over and over announcing your place in the family of things.” The world has offered itself to us, we can do anything we want with it!
A connection with my followers, the ability to help others, and the opportunity to spread awareness to young women. I hope that people are able to find healing and inspiration in my words.
The incredible writing practice I’ve found in the past month. I love the pieces I’ve crafted on this blog and it has been a therapeutic joy to share myself so vulnerably and authentically on here.
This new feeling I’ve had recently that is like a drug, or superpower, or lens that I don’t think many other people are able to see through. It’s the kind of joy, aliveness, and one-ness with the present that makes all five senses heightened to their max. Maybe it’s because it takes 30 bad days to make those 5 good days feel like a high. Or maybe it’s simply a perspective shift that I have the privilege of enjoying for the rest of my life. The thing is, I had a gratitude practice for about a year before my diagnosis. I wasn’t taking life for granted, or letting it pass by, and I have many journals entries celebrating my health. But there’s this new energy in the air that makes watching a summer thunderstorm that much more magical. I can feel the hot water vapor in the air as it hugs my skin and drapes my body in a loving embrace. The summer air smells so sweet, like honeysuckle. I am experiencing life with a hyperawareness of the current moment. It is beautiful. It almost brings tears to my eyes. I feel so alive.
I’m sure a part of that is my recent confrontations with mortality. It is a wild thought that if this had gone untreated, in many many years I could just die. But the reality is, I am not dying. I am living. And I am living so. damn. well. “We are all just walking each other home” -Ramm Dass. I am walking home, hand in hand with the people that love me, with open eyes, good food, laughter, joy, and life is really incredible right now. Find comfort in knowing I am happy. Find comfort in knowing I am well.
An acknowledgement to my friend Cailin. (I know I shared this in a birthday toast a few days back but here it is in writing…) I couldn’t be sharing my story as openly as I am if I had not seen her do it first. For years, I have lived in awe of her writing, hard work towards self betterment, and the vulnerability with which she has shared her struggles. You cannot have strength without vulnerability, they are direly dependent on each other. I have looked at Cailin’s page numerous times and thought, damn I wish I could do that. Or, damn, I wish I could write like that. Truthfully, I didn’t feel like I had a story to tell, (not that it should take hardship to share one’s story) but I was lacking inspiration. So to my sweet, sweet, dear friend Cailin, I am not me without you. You have paved the way for my journey and fed me inspiration beyond belief. I hope you know how much of an impact you have had on my life. I am proud of you for taking your shitty hand of cards and turning it into something unimaginably beautiful. It is a superpower. You are are a superhuman.
XO,
M
