Let’s talk about death

Cancer and the unavoidable confrontation with mortality: this is something I’ve never talked about before publicly - mostly because it makes me deeply uncomfortable and is something I still struggle with on the daily.

A lot of people have asked me, “did you ever think you were going to die?” My answer was always no. And that is true. I never thought I was going to die when I was diagnosed with cancer. My fears about reoccurrence, and living life with metastatic breast cancer, however, is way scarier for me than having cancer ever was. This fear and I will travel through life hand in hand.

I used to lay awake - paralyzed by fear of my cancer reoccurring. I would perform a dress rehearsal for death every night before bed and cry myself to sleep. This is the aftermath of cancer that people don’t talk about. Thankfully, living along side this fear has become SO much easier with some time and hard work. I went to talk therapy, got some anxiety and sleeping meds on board and rarely have nights like these anymore. I also know my triggers now: no books, movies, podcasts about cancer for Miranda!

It’s a really big goal of mine to become more comfortable with the idea of death. And that’s not to soften the blow for when it happens - or make my life easier if I were to reoccur (which I won’t). It’s because my confrontation with mortality has brought the deepest sense of magic and purpose into my life. It’s made me reconsider how I want to live, the people I want to surround myself with, who I want to be and what I want to contribute to this planet. It is one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given.

It’s really weird that I’m a college student openly talking about death and breast cancer and all of these vulnerable taboo topics online. Like so weird. If freshman year me could see this post on social media she would literally be like MIRANDA WHAT THE F. But life is so fragile - more fragile than any of us can truly comprehend - and I would be remiss to not share my experience in hopes that others can find some of the same magic in theirs.

Death is uncomfortable. It’s dark, it’s heavy, and to everyone’s dismay… the refusal to talk about it doesn’t make it go away.

This is my first attempt at broaching this subject online. It’s so weird. It’s so uncomfortable. I’m going to try to practice talking about this more - maybe, when I’m ready.

Now, I will go watch Suits on Netflix and bring some lighthearted energy back into my day.

Here’s to navigating waters we never though we would chart, and choosing to see the sunsets, even on stormy nights.

Xo,

M