Miranda and the terrible, horrible, surprisingly still good, very love-filled day.

Many people have asked me about my first day of Chemo. So, a special roundup on what it looked like.

There is no avoiding the fact that today was a heartbreaking day. When the first IV push went in, I sat with my hands laid on my heart and thought (speaking to the chemo, as one does…) please, please, please heal me. Thank you for healing me and thank you for existing. I welcome you in. Do your job. Work for me. I have faith. And as my eyes welled with tears, I couldn’t help but think this whole thing is so heartbreaking. I am shattered that I am sitting here.

Truthfully though, today kind of felt like my birthday…and x10000. A surprisingly amazing day. As I previously shared on my IG, Day 1 was delayed by 24 hours because of a paperwork issue on the cold capping system. I rode an emotional roller coaster leading into the actual First Day, July 8th. That morning, I was tired and my mind remained still, vacant of thoughts or emotions. So I sat back, and let the day surprise me with gifts. I think it was my lack of expectation that led me to this beautiful experience.

So let’s walk through it together:

My day started with a 6am wake-up and ended with a 10pm bedtime. Actually, it’s currently 11:34pm but I’m late night writing. My mom, dad, and I trekked into NYC (we're from NJ) to MSK cancer center, arriving at 8am and the actual chemo started at about 9am.

Let’s get the bad part over with first:

I didn’t love the IV. I didn’t love the brain freeze from cold capping (more on this another day). I didn’t love the smell of the chemo or the way my arm burned when it was pushed into my vein. I didn’t love the time commitment. Summer days should be spent with friends. I didn’t love the feeling of breathing fire into my sinuses, a weird phenomenon the nurse called the “wasabi effect” that sometimes happens in the last few mins of treatment. I didn’t love the lupron shot put in my boo-tay at the end. I didn’t love a lot of things.

BUT… you know what I do love?

I love that it took me a good amount of energy to even remember all of those little things that happened today because I’m already starting to forget. They are plunged beneath a dark shadow, greatly outshone by a fierce light of love and support that overwhelmed me today. The Lupron shot? It’s a half second of pain. The chemo smell? I’ll pack essential oils next time. There is no understating that today STUNK, but the negative sh!t wasn’t what lays on my heart tonight.

The whole chemo infusion process took three hours start to finish. A family friend paid me an unexpected visit and made the time pass with lots of laughs. We had a social worker named Ros visit. She is awesome and is looking for some other young people with breast cancer for me to connect with...apparently I’m like a unicorn though. Not many of us out there. 

After treatment was over, we walked a few blocks to Pink Berry, my favorite frozen yogurt in all of NYC, and indulged. My parents and I shared sentiments of relief that treatment had finally begun, as scary as it is, and gratitude for all things community and modern medicine and blah blah blah.

As I went to leave, a girl about my age stood up from another table and called my name. I was flustered as I immediately realized I didn’t “know” her but she clearly had been following my story on Instagram. She told me I was so strong. We took a picture together.  To be completely honest, I think we were both a bit nervous and embarrassed. I said, “you made my whole day!” to which she replied, “you made my whole week!” and that was that. We left Pink Berry, a bit on a high, and I thought to myself, just wow! While I currently have cynical feelings towards the phrase “everything happens for a reason,” this young woman felt like a gift to me. She was kind and encouraging and validated that what I am sharing with others is reaching outside my little bubble. I am connected. I am helping in some way. And that helps me sleep at night. 

We arrived home in NJ at 4pm and spent the afternoon with a 24 year old woman in my town who was treated for ovarian cancer a few years back. While our stories are vastly different, she brought me honesty, encouragement, heartbreak, bravery, and served as an impactful example of a young woman who has been through something similar. One of my favorite things about her is the way she carried herself. She chose her words carefully and took time to think, consider, and reflect before she spoke. She held my family’s attention like our life depended on it and was unapologetic for commanding the room and speaking her truth. She took her time. She had intention. And, I want to be more like her.

Later that night, I ventured to my soul sister (Nat’s) house (we live 10 mins apart from each other) as a few of my dear USC friends had come into town today on summer break. As I arrived, I spotted one of my hometown-friend’s cars in the driveway. It felt out of place in this setting. This doesn’t add up…I thought. Well, sure enough, I walked in the house to find that my two worlds had collided. All of my friends, from one coast to another, were buzzing around the kitchen making tacos and unwrapping desserts they had brought over. They were all chatting and clearly acquainted and my heart just swelled.

When the rumble of the room quieted at dinner time, mouths too full with tacos to speak, I toasted them. I told them that when I was younger I hated mixing friend groups. I was anxious that my dance friends wouldn’t get along with my school friends who wouldn’t get along with my musical theater friends, etc. It was always a panic. But to walk into the house and see grade school and college friends exchanging stories, without me having organized anything, made my heart skip a beat. An absolute gift.

I took a moment to acknowledge how much time, effort, and thought I had put into who I surround myself with and that seeing my intention come to fruition in the most organic (and surprising) way, showed me that I have manifested great things for myself. I toasted to them for being so open and told them I was excited for them to get to form individual friendships and that I love them. And I am endlessly grateful for them. There were more words said that aren’t coming to mind right now.  

All in all…today I was showered with (yes, heartbreak and yes, some pain) but mostly love, acceptance, validation, and encouragement.

I am so tired. My eyes are batting closed as I write this and yet I wish I could keep them open and hold onto this day forever.

Thank you for the notes and wishes. This day will go down in my personal history book as a good one, and as a win.

XO,

M